Witty Quotations

About This Blog

2008-03-16T01:11:00.001-07:00

A collection of witty, sarcastic, thought-provoking, humorous and ironic quotations on several subjects from a wide variety of quotations, passages and phrases by famous people, politicians, activists, artists, etc, from A to Z. Useful for researchers, public speakers, toast masters, students and all other who loves to learn from the past.

Pretense

2007-10-12T02:53:00.000-07:00

I love acting. It is so much more real than life. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)
Oscar Wilde

Presidents

2007-10-12T02:52:00.000-07:00

Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
Gore Vidal

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
David Letterman

Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
Abbey Hoffman

He (Calvin Coolidge) had one really notable talent. He slept more than any other president.
H.L. Mencken

He's proof that there's life after death. (On Ronald Reagan)
Mort Sahl

How could they tell? (On being told that ex-President Coolidge had died)
Dorothy Parker

I don't know what people have got against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
Bob Hope

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy Carter

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.
George Bush

I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
Ronald Reagan

I would have made a good Pope.
Richard Nixon

I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say.
Richard Nixon

My mother used to pull my ears and it never did get that much attention. (After the protests caused by a press photograph of him lifting his dogs by the ears)
Lyndon B. Johnson

The Clintons are getting ready for Christmas up in Chappaqua. It's the same thing every year. Hillary comes down the stairs on Christmas morning to find a surprise under Bill.
David Letterman

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger

There can't be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
David Letterman

When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal.
Richard Nixon

Principles

2007-10-12T02:50:00.000-07:00

I don't like principles. I prefer prejudices.
Oscar Wilde

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)
Oscar Wilde

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Problem

2007-10-12T02:49:00.000-07:00

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
Bertrand Russell

Profession

2007-10-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Ronald Reagan

Progress

2007-10-12T02:46:00.002-07:00

Change is scientific, progress is ethical; change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy.
Bertrand Russell

Prom

2007-10-12T02:46:00.001-07:00

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Dorothy Parker

Prosperity

2007-10-12T02:34:00.002-07:00

It's not your salary that makes you rich, it's your spending habits.
Charles A. Jaffe

Psychiatrist

2007-10-12T02:34:00.001-07:00

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.
Merv Stockwood

Public

2007-10-12T02:33:00.001-07:00

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. (The Critic as Artist, 1891)
Oscar Wilde

Punctuality

2007-10-10T21:51:00.002-07:00

Punctuality is the thief of time.
Oscar Wilde

Questions

2007-10-10T21:51:00.001-07:00

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
Douglas Adams

Quotations

2007-10-10T21:49:00.002-07:00

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.
Dorothy Parker

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. (De Profundis, 1905)
Oscar Wilde

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Somerset Maugham

Reality

2007-10-10T21:49:00.001-07:00

One's real life is often the life that one does not lead. (L'Envoi, 1882)
Oscar Wilde

Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it.
Byron Katie

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Robin Williams

Recreation

2007-10-10T21:47:00.001-07:00

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope

Regret

2007-10-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henry Youngman

People in a temper often say a lot of terrible, silly things they mean.
Penelope Gilliat

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Ambrose Bierce

The only thing one never regrets are one's mistakes. (The Picture of Dorian Gray)
Oscar Wilde

Relativity

2007-10-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours that's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Religion (3)

2007-10-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
HG Wells

Should we all confess our sins to one another we would all laugh at one another for our lack of originality.
Kahlil Gibran

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.
Bertrand Russell

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'.
Charlie Brown

Thank God I'm an atheist.
Luis Bunuel

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Brendan Behan

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
Bob Hope

The Lord will provide, dear, but you must give him some help.
Sir Hugh Casson

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

There seems to be a terrible misunderstanding on the part of a great many people to the effect that when you cease to believe you may cease to behave.
Louis Kronenberger

Truth, in the matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.
Oscar Wilde

What really interests me is whether God had any choice in the creation of the world.
Albert Einstein

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
Quentin Crisp

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they'd never been born the first time?
Katherine Whitehorn

Religion (2)

2007-10-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.
Peter Ustinov

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.
Bob Davies

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar Wilde

I went to a convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.
Dorothy Parker

I would have made a good Pope.
Richard Nixon

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
George Deacon

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
Art Hoppe

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
William Sunday

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Dave Thomas

Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.
George Bernard Shaw

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
Jim Carrey

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
Alan Bennett

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
Woody Allen

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.
Oscar Wilde

Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief.
Oscar Wilde

Religion (1)

2007-10-10T21:25:00.002-07:00

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Ronald Knox

An apology for the Devil: It must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.
Samuel Butler

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Spike Milligan

As God once said, and I think rightly...
Margaret Thatcher

At any rate, I am convinced that He [God] does not play dice. (In a letter to Max Born, 1926)
Albert Einstein

Before confession, be perfectly sure that you do not wish to be forgiven.
Katherine Mansfield

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
Albert Einstein

Confession may be good for the soul, but it sure plays hell with my reputation.
Mark Twain

God is love, but get it in writing.
Gypsy Rose Lee

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Fulton Sheen

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
James H. Kabbler III

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rita Rudner

I am an atheist still, thank God.
Luis Buňuel

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
Bob Hope

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
Orson Welles

Repentance

2007-10-10T21:25:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'.
Charlie Brown

Reputation

2007-10-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.
Oscar Wilde

Resistance

2007-10-10T21:23:00.001-07:00

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Resolutions

2007-10-10T21:22:00.002-07:00

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde

Respect

2007-10-10T21:22:00.001-07:00

This is the final test of a gentleman; his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him.
William Lyon Phelps

Restaurants

2007-10-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
Eddie Izzard

Revolution

2007-10-10T21:20:00.002-07:00

Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.
Tom Stoppard

Rogue

2007-10-10T21:20:00.001-07:00

Society produces rogues, and education makes one rogue cleverer than another.
Oscar Wilde

Romance

2007-10-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
Oscar Wilde

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.
Oscar Wilde

Sailors

2007-10-09T20:18:00.000-07:00

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
HG Wells

Satire

2007-10-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire? (On Henry Kissinger)
Tom Lehrer

Sceptics

2007-10-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

God is love, but get it in writing.
Gypsy Rose Lee

Science

2007-10-09T20:10:00.000-07:00

Change is scientific, progress is ethical; change is indubitable, whereas progress is a matter of controversy.
Bertrand Russell

From now on every generation will be aware that it could be the last generation on earth.
Stuart Blanche

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Albert Einstein

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
Albert Einstein

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Albert Einstein

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (attributed)
Albert Einstein

Science is the record of dead religions.
Oscar Wilde

Surely if all the human race is obliterated the Creator will look rather foolish. But to whom?
George Lyttelton

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Scoundrel

2007-10-09T20:09:00.001-07:00

I've always thought respectable people scoundrels, and I look anxiously at my face every morning for signs of my becoming a scoundrel.
Bertrand Russell

Secret

2007-10-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
Bertrand Russell

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
Groucho Marx

Selfishness

2007-10-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde

There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)
Oscar Wilde

Serenity

2007-10-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.
Oscar Wilde

Serious

2007-10-09T19:57:00.000-07:00

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. (Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I)
Oscar Wilde

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow.
Oscar Wilde

Sex

2007-10-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
Matt Groening

Simplicity

2007-10-09T19:55:00.002-07:00

I adore simple pleasures. They are the last refuge of the complex. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)
Oscar Wilde

Silence

2007-10-09T19:55:00.001-07:00

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

Sin

2007-10-09T19:53:00.000-07:00

Sin is geographical.
Bertrand Russell

Sin is the only real colour element left in modern life. (The picture of Dorian Gray)
Oscar Wilde

There is no sin except stupidity.
Oscar Wilde

Sincerity

2007-10-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Oscar Wilde

Sleep

2007-10-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

A young man asked me how I liked being a governor. I replied that I liked it. When I go home at night, I sleep like a baby : sleep for an hour and then wake up and cry for an hour.
Winfield Dunn, Governor of Tennessee

I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
Ronald Reagan

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henry Youngman

Smile

2007-10-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W C Fields

Smoking

2007-10-09T19:47:00.002-07:00

A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?
Oscar Wilde

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Mark Twain

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
Groucho Marx

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
Mark Twain

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.
HL Mencken

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns

If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.
Groucho Marx

I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now.
Bill Hicks

Socialism

2007-10-09T19:47:00.001-07:00

The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level.
Norman Mailer

Society

2007-10-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

Do not speak ill of society, Algie. Only people who can't get in do that. (The Importance of Being Earnest)
Oscar Wilde

Speech

2007-10-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain

There is but one pleasure in life equal to that of being called on to make an after dinner speech, and that is not being called on to make one.
Charles Dudley Warner

Sports

2007-10-09T19:43:00.002-07:00

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope

Statistics

2007-10-09T19:43:00.001-07:00

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

Strenght

2007-10-09T19:42:00.002-07:00

We all have enough strength to bear the misfortunes of others.
Francois de la Rochefoucauld

Stubborn

2007-10-09T19:42:00.001-07:00

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams

Stupidity

2007-10-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein

There is no sin except stupidity.
Oscar Wilde

Success

2007-10-08T18:08:00.000-07:00

Back of every achievement is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
Brooks Hays

Beggars do not envy millionaires, though of course they will envy other beggars who are more successful.
Bertrand Russell

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx

He was his own greatest invention.
John Osborne

If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut. (Observer, Jan. 15, 1950)
Albert Einstein

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Mark Twain

People who go to prison are not just criminals but, by definition, unsuccessful criminals.
The Times

Success is a poison that chould only be taken late in life and then only in small doses.
Anthony Trollope

Success is the brand on the brow of the man who aimed too low.
John Masefield

Success is the necessary misfortune of life, but it is only to the very unfortunate that it comes early.
Anthony Trollope

The worst use that can be made of success is to boost of it.
Arthur Helps

Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.
Albert Einstein

When you see a turtle on top of a fence post, you know he didn’t get there by himself.
Robert J. Lamont

Sufferings

2007-10-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

The man who suffers from a sense of sin is suffering from a particular kind of self-love. In all this vast universe the thing that appears to him of most importance is that he himself should be virtuous. It is a grave defect in certain forms of traditional religion that they have encouraged this particular kind of self-absorption. (The Conquest of Happiness)
Bertrand Russell

In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying.
Bertrand Russell

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
Kathleen C. Thelsen

Symptoms

2007-10-08T18:05:00.000-07:00

Symptoms are a way for your body to say, "Listen to me talk for a change."
Carl A. Hammerschlag

Talent

2007-10-08T18:04:00.001-07:00

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. (speaking of Katharine Hepburn)
Dorothy Parker

Taste

2007-10-08T18:03:00.001-07:00

I have the simplest of tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
Oscar Wilde

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.
Dorothy Parker

Tax

2007-10-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
Benjamin Franklin

Teaching

2007-10-08T18:01:00.000-07:00

Those who can do, those who can't teach.
George Bernard Shaw

Television

2007-10-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

Temper

2007-08-05T19:32:00.001-07:00

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
Oscar Wilde

Temptation

2007-08-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there.
Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Sometimes it takes courage to give in to temptation.
Oscar Wilde

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)
Oscar Wilde

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desireable.
Mark Twain

Terror

2007-08-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

The basis of optimism is sheer terror.
Oscar Wilde

Theatre

2007-08-02T20:41:00.000-07:00

A play should give you something to think about. When I see a play and understand it the first time, then I know it can't be much good.
T.S. Eliot

Acting is not a profession for adults.
Laurence Olivier

Can you imagine being wonderfully overpaid for dressing up and playing games?
David Niven

He'll never write a good play again. (On hearing that Eugene O'Neill was giving up drinking.)
George Bernard Shaw

I adore not being me. I'm not very good at being me. That's why I adore acting so much.
Deborah Kerr

I grew a beard for Nero, in Quo Vadis, but MGM thought it didn't look real, so I had to wear a false one.
Peter Ustinov

I learned two things at RADA: first that I couldn't act; second that it didn't matter.
Wilfred Hyde White

If all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?
Denis Norden

Nobody likes my acting except the public.
John Wayne

The most important thing in acting is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, you're in.
Sam Goldwyn

The most precious thing in speech are the pauses.
Ralph Richardson

The scenery was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it.
Alexander Woollcott

There has been more complaints about our inaudible actors. Perhaps they do not wish to interrupt the conversation in the stalls and boxes. (5 Nov 1933)
Sunday Express

Was she a great actress? Yes, I think so. Of course women act all the time. It is easier to judge a man.
Iris Murdoch

Thesaurus

2007-08-02T20:24:00.001-07:00

What's another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wright

Thought

2007-08-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

I do not think thinking about a situation does much good. One knows by instinct what one can do.
A.C. Benson

Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth - more than ruin - more even than death.... Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man.
Bertrand Russell

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact they do so.
Bertrand Russell

My guess is that well over eighty percent of the human race goes through life without having a single original thought.
H.L. Mencken

People do not like to think. If one thinks, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant.
Helen Keller

The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution.
Bertrand Russell

Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.
Walter Lippmann

Whether you think you can or wherther you think you can't, you're right!
Henry Ford

Time

2007-07-28T02:07:00.000-07:00

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in.
Lord Chesterfield

Time and space are modes by which we think and not conditions in which we live.
Albert Einstein

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
Catherine Zandonella

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Groucho Marx

Tombstone

2007-07-28T02:05:00.000-07:00

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment. ('But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929)
Dorothy Parker

This is on me. (suggested for her tombstone)
Dorothy Parker

Trap

2007-07-28T02:04:00.000-07:00

Trapped, like a trap in a trap.
Dorothy Parker

Troubles

2007-07-28T02:03:00.000-07:00

There is nothing so consoling as to find that one's neighbour's troubles are at least as great as one's own.
George Moore

Truth

2007-07-25T20:41:00.000-07:00

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
Oscar Wilde

Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as much as you please.
Mark Twain

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
Dorothy Parker

I offer my opponents a bargain; if they will stop telling falsehoods about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
Adlai Stevenson

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Albert Einstein

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Oscar Wilde

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Winston Churchill

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. (The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895, Act I)
Oscar Wilde

Truth is what stands the test of experience.
Albert Einstein

Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived.
Oscar Wilde

Ugliness

2007-07-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly. ('The Picture of Dorian Gray' 1891)
Oscar Wilde

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

Understanding

2007-07-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it is just possible that you haven't grasped the situation.
Jean Kerr

Undertakers

2007-07-25T20:30:00.002-07:00

It is the overtakers that keep the undertakers busy.
William Pitts

Vague

2007-07-25T20:30:00.001-07:00

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise.
Bertrand Russell

Vain

2007-07-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

To say that a man is vain means merely that he is pleased with the effect he produces on other people. A conceited man is satisfied with the effect he produces on himself.
Sir Max Beerbohm

Vice

2007-07-25T20:28:00.002-07:00

He hadn't a single redeeming vice.
Oscar Wilde

Vice-Presidents

2007-07-25T20:28:00.001-07:00

We expect the Salvadorean officials to work towards the extermination of human rights.
Dan Quayle

Virtues

2007-07-21T05:36:00.001-07:00

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.
Bertrand Russell

Vote

2007-07-21T05:33:00.000-07:00

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least.
Robert Byrne

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
Frank Dane

We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.
Kin Hubbard

Walking

2007-07-21T05:32:00.001-07:00

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

War

2007-07-21T05:30:00.002-07:00

As long as war is regarded as wicked it will always have its fascinations. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.
Oscar Wilde

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Bertrand Russell

Warehouse

2007-07-21T05:30:00.001-07:00

One of the best warehouses I ever saw was the Vatican in Rome.

Arnold Wesker

Weight

2007-07-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

Do I look heavyish to you? I feel heavyish. Put a note on my desk in the morning, "Think thin." (to his secretary in North by Northwest)
Cary Grant

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press one 18,000 times.
Randy Glasbergen

Wisdom

2007-07-21T05:24:00.002-07:00

The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.
Don Herold

Wit

2007-07-21T05:24:00.001-07:00

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Somerset Maugham

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.
Oscar Levant

Women

2007-07-20T01:09:00.000-07:00

...my dear boy, no woman is a genius. They are a decorative sex. They never have anything to say, but they say it charmingly. Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals. (The Picture of Dorian Gray)

Oscar Wilde

All women are good - good for nothing, or good for something.
Miguel De Cervantes

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
Oscar Wilde

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

A woman begins by resisting a man's advances, and ends by blocking his retreat.
Oscar Wilde

A woman who cannot make her mistakes charming, is only a female. (Lord Arthur Savile's Crime)

Oscar Wilde

Faithful women are all alike. They think only of their fidelity and not of their husbands.
Jean Giraudoux

I'm not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.
Dolly Parton

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

I think the key is for women not to set any limits.
Martina Navratilova

My name is Raquel Welch. I am here for Visual Effects. And I have two of them. [presenting Best Visual Effects Oscar]
Raquel Welch

That woman speaks eighteen languages and can't say "No" in any of them.

Dorothy Parker

The strength of women comes from the fact that psychology cannot explain us. Men can be analyzed, women… merely adored. (An Ideal Husband)

Oscar Wilde

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. (The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 3)

Oscar Wilde

When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)

Oscar Wilde

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our intellects. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)

Oscar Wilde

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.
Marcel Achard

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.
Dick Van Dyke

Wrong

2007-07-20T00:54:00.001-07:00

Wrong is wrong, no matter who does it or says it.
Malcolm X

Youth

2007-07-20T00:51:00.000-07:00

I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
Lucille Ball

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable. (The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1891)
Oscar Wilde

Criminal Law

2007-04-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

It’s graduation time around New York. We've a lot of honor students here...Yes your honor, no your honor, not guilty your honor!

David Letterman

A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his pocket is a .38.

David Letterman

New York is great though. If you’re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.

David Letterman

Equality

2007-04-20T05:42:00.001-07:00

All men are created equal - until they prove otherwise.
Ben Kuroki

The idea of taking away property from other people has much more appeal if one has none of own's own.
Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh

Feminism

2007-04-19T04:45:00.000-07:00

When a woman behaves like a man, why can't she behave like a nice man?
Dame Edith Evans

Field Marshall Montgomery : Lady Astor, I must tell you that I do not approve of female politicians.

Lady Astor : That's all right. The only General I approve of is Evangeline Booth.
Nancy Astor

Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that.
Golda Meir

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Failure

2007-04-19T04:43:00.000-07:00

He is a self-made man who owed his lack of success to nobody.
Joseph Heller

Work

2007-04-17T00:43:00.001-07:00

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. (In Life of Oscar Wilde, H. Pearson)
Oscar Wilde

Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
Don Herold

Words

2007-04-17T00:40:00.000-07:00

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley

If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
Calvin Coolidge

Oh! don't use big words. They mean so little. (An Ideal Husband, Third Act)
Oscar Wilde

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.

Napoleon

The more you say, the less people remember.
Francois Fenelon

Eternity

2007-04-11T07:18:00.000-07:00

Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
Tom Stoppard

Ethics

2007-04-11T07:17:00.000-07:00

I can only say that while my own opinions as to ethics do not satisfy me, other people's satisfy me still less.
Bertrand Russell